Musings about my Initiation into Parenthood, & the Book that Almost Killed Me

As I prepare to birth my second child in a couple of months, I remember the first few months with my first. Just as brides often place too much emphasis on the wedding preparations and not enough on preparing for the marriage, new moms also often place too much focus on the childbirth experience and not enough on preparing for parenthood. I certainly fell into this trap. I researched for hours all the right baby gear for my registry, making my list and checking it multiple times. I religiously read my What to Expect When You're Expecting bible as well as the Pregnancy Week by Week guide. I studied several different childbirth books and labored over my childbirth plan, which quickly flew right out the window as soon as the hospital admitted me on D-Day. Even my conversations with other moms revolved mainly around pregnancy and the ever-looming labor and delivery.  I saw many moms who took a lot of delight in having babies and so I thought, "No worries, this will be cake," and I didn't ask about what my life might look like from day to day. I didn't get a lot of advice either. I think sometimes it's hard for us moms to talk about the hard realities of motherhood because we don't want to sound unloving, or ungrateful, or incompetent. Mainly, I just didn't spend much time thinking about how my life was going to change after the smoke of LABOR cleared.

The extent of my parenting preparation consisted mainly in relying on one book. Since this book claimed to have the right formula to get baby on a schedule and have him sleeping through the night quickly, and warned against other, "indulgent" parenting techniques, I naively thought that I could use this one book as a comprehensive instruction manual and that all would be well. Sadly, I put all my trust in this one book. Within a week of coming home from the hospital and feeling completely overwhelmed, I was convinced that living by this book was going to save me. I completely disregarded the advice of anyone else, even doctors and nurses, that contradicted this book. As friends brought me meals during that first month, they wisely advised me, "Do whatever works for your baby and your family," but that advice seemed to risky for me. It would be safer to simply rely on the book's way, after all, it claimed to be the best way and I wanted to be a good mom. Boy, was I ever headed for a fall.

By month 3, after much frustration, anger, and anxiety, I finally mustered the courage to trash the book. I realized that there is not one right way or if there is, it's not a sane way. I had no idea what to do otherwise and that made me really anxious, but I knew that the book was killing me and negatively affecting our son, to put it mildly. My plan was to start paying attention to my baby's cues and my own inner voice. I felt extremely insecure without the crutch of my know-it-all book, but I was free to finally learn. I began to journal about what he needed and when, and I looked for patterns. I was finally free to give my baby what he needed instead of trying to shove him into a too-tight box. I started a relationship with my son and finally threw out the idea that he would be a robot or a doll that I could program.

As I anticipate my next baby's arrival, I'm definitely more wary of the books, but I'm also more open to hearing them out and then weighing their wisdom. I'm taking their advice with a grain of salt, thinking, "I'll try that, and if it works, great! If it doesn't, I'll try something else." I'm reading different books with different philosophies about how to care for a baby and viewing this as putting new tools in my tool belt, knowing some may work and some won't. I'm planning to take the first few months to just get to know my baby, observing her and observing myself, learning what is helpful and what is not for both of us. I'm also talking to veteran moms of two or more, asking them questions, and listening to their stories and wisdom. I'm setting up a support network, not just for meals and extra help, although that's important, but I'm identifying people that I can call when I need to cry and won't care if they see my messy house. I'm identifying what rejuvenates me and ways that I can care for myself. And finally, I'm trying my best to realize that I just won't know what to expect until I get there and to be okay with that.