Fear Posing as Reluctance

2 Timothy 1:5-7 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith...For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you... For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (or fear), but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

I was reminded of this verse today through a discussion of Emily Freeman's A Million Little Ways in which she awakens us to come alive to the gifts and the art that God has uniquely placed within each of us. (Plug: It's a good read and I recommend it). I've been reading it mainly in light of how God has called me to be a mother since I struggle with an image of motherhood in my head that I just can't live up to.

I know I am called, not just by nature of the fact that He has given me children, though that should be enough... but also through His whispers and nudges as I've read His Word over the last few years. The day I discovered that I was pregnant with Jedidiah, I fell on my knees in a sense of awe and worship. It was a holy moment between God and I. He felt so close and I sensed Him say to me that I needed to see my child as a special gift, one that I would give back to God. Later, through a counselor, God said to me that it wasn't my own effort or desire that had brought Jed to me, but that God had specifically ordained his time to come into the world, and that God had specifically given him to me. (Acts 17:26-27) In many times, and many ways, God has taught me that my calling as a mother is not something to be taken lightly, or taken as circumstance, but taken from Him, as His will and calling for my life.

Despite the special messages and encouragements, I continue to struggle with my calling as a mother. I realized today that the prime suspect is not pinterest, or jealousy, or the fact that I'm not crafty. No, it is simply -- FEAR. Fear that I am not cut out for this. Fear that I will do it wrong and screw up my kids. Fear that I will compromise my self and not be happy. My rantings and ravings about not fitting in the "crafty-mom" mold is simply a symptom of my fear and an excuse that I use to justify myself. I'm not saying that is who I need to be, but I've used the, "I'm not the crafty mom" excuse to hide from my responsibility.

I have already discussed in a previous post that my calling is not to conform to the standard moms of this world. But the calling is to be uniquely me in my motherhood. Today I realized how much the prospect of living that out actually terrifies me. I see no trail in front of me. I must be the trail blazer, and my fear of "doing it wrong" or the fear of criticism because I'm doing it "different" causes me to shrink and freeze and want to run. So I've continued to use reluctance and distraction to mask my terror of showing up as the one of a kind mother that only I can be.

I love the way Paul encourages Timothy in the passage above. So often we just say, "But God does not give us a spirit of fear..." as if to say, so just stop being scared. Paul actually acknowledges Timothy's fear, but he gives Timothy reason to move past the fear. He first reminds Timothy that it all start with his sincere faith... sometimes I feel like I'm faking my faith and it is so encouraging when a friend can point out and say, "No, I see your sincere faith... it is apparent." Faith does not originate or end with us anyway. The faith we have has comes from God because he loves us and so we can treasure the faith we have, knowing that God will continue to grow it. That faith points to God, who does the work in me. It's not up to me! The pressure is off!

For this reason, the reason of the sincere faith given by God, Paul says that we can fan into flame the gift of God, the calling of God. We can experiment, we can try and fail, we can use our resources, and abilities, and gifts to grow the gift given to us. This is our part and then Paul reminds us of God's resources that will allow our resources to flourish. He reminds us that the fear we feel, is not from God, though it may be there. But that with God we can draw upon power (the energy and ability to do it), love (the motivation and heart for another's good), and self-discipline to accomplish the work He's given us to do. We are equipped, even if not within ourselves. Even if we don't feel it.

So how many more posts will I have to write before I actually begin putting this into practice? I want to say zero, but realistically, you will probably have to be patient with me just a little longer. As I do experiment, I will try to post about them because I assume that I'm probably not the only mom out there who feels this way. ;)