The Kick of Life

I generally don't expect hard things to happen to me... that is until they happen to my friends. In the last six months, two friends have called me and poured out their painful stories of miscarriage. Both of them discovered their loss at an early appointment where they hoped to hear a heartbeat. Instead there was a hollow and empty quiet. Instead of a heartbeat, there was heartache. Instead of life, there was loss.

So I held my breath as the screen flickered, gray and fuzzy. I had felt queasy all morning, uncertain if it was due to normal first trimester nausea, or more likely, the dread I was carrying that I would make that same devastating discovery. A small dark hole appeared to be holding a tiny teddy bear, still and quiet. It hunkered, motionless and for a second I thought that my worst fears had been confirmed...

And then...

his whole body jerked awake, with L I F E! He threw his hands and feet out and turned his body to see what was disturbing his sleep. I laughed with joy at this little ball of Life, recently named Fetus.

"Is there a heartbeat?"

I was still wary, my fears lingered in the background.

"Of course there is," said my doctor. "Didn't you see it move?"

My fears had blocked that logical conclusion from registering until the doctor vocalized it and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then she showed me the heartbeat. I delighted in the next 2 minutes as I watched my next little progeny turn in my womb and show me his gray, fuzzy outline.

Life! Grace! Undeserved!

Why me and not them? It's a pointless question to ask. I think of my friends and I mourn for their loss. I don't want to minimize their pain in any way. In fact, I know that God intends to redeem their pain, and in the process they will help others. And they know this too. For some, they will help others by being able to empathize with those who miscarry. Today, they gave me a great gift.

Because most of the time, I sail through life expecting to automatically receive God's gifts. I expect things to go well, and when they do, I don't give it a second thought. I don't thank God. I continue to wear my princess crown, falsely assuming that of course, I deserved it.

Why wouldn't it turn out all right?

Today was different. I was aware of my vulnerability and inability to control what I would find. And when I received the gift, I felt fully grateful, instead of maybe, entitled, smug, indifferent? Sure, I still would have felt excited, but I would not have realized the fullness of the miracle and gift I had snatched as if it belonged to me all along.

I've been crocheting a blanket for the new baby and the other day I remembered the Psalm,

"You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together... your eyes saw my unformed body." (Psalm 139:13-15)

I looked down at my blanket and realized how aware I am of each stitch, intentional with each stitch, the placement of each color of yarn, of each row and how it flows with the previous one. I am also aware of each small idiosyncrasy in my blanket and how I will piece each part together until it becomes a whole. God knows us that intimately and more.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus..." (Ephesians 2:10)

As Emily Freeman puts it, we are God's poem, his work of art. (A Million Little Ways, by Emily Freeman)

God is intentionally creating each one of us, small and big, weak and strong. I believe that even those pieces of art that seemingly go unfinished has a purpose and an art for its life given by his Creator.

What if I kept this truth in the forefront of my mind all the time... for myself, for my husband, for my children, for the homeless man on the corner, for the person sitting across from me at Starbucks? How would my life look different if I walked through life, holding this knowledge about the beauty and gift of God's created people?
Would I slow down?
Would I smile more?
Would I enjoy and see more value in being a stay at home mom?
Would I be more creative in the way I interact with people?
Would I have more compassion?

I pray that God would allow the revelation of today's ultrasound linger in my life.
I pray that He would redeem my friends' loss far beyond what they can imagine.
I pray that I would be filled with gratitude at the grace He's given me in this new life, growing inside.
And I pray that He would transform the way I see my role as a mother.

*Note: We do not yet know if our baby is a boy or girl, but since I didn't want to refer to the baby as an "it" I chose to refer to him as a he until we know the sex.